Rambeling on life, death, loss, hope and true gratefullness

So I am sitting here drinking coffee, watching our two young ducklings stumble around in the sunny grass. Writing this blogpost that has been waiting to come out but just now knew it’s form. It is almost two weeks since you left this world Maria. A few days since we said our final goodbyes. It has been two absurd weeks of rollercoaster emotions. I think today was the first day I had a full breath. And the days just rolls on. How fragile and wierd life is.

I had no doubts you would make it through. You fought so hard. I was convinced the universe would make sure you were rewarded for your struggle. It didn’t. You didn’t make it. Surreal. We are not guaranteed to run free. Not any of us. Even in your toughest times you still believed in the universe. You said you believed it was so wellfunctioning that what ever happened was the right thing. To trust feels safe. Now I believe that too. Everyones role here on this amazing and absurd earth is different. Everyone matters. Maybe yours even a little bit more than others. You were here and taken from us for a reason. You were here to be love. To teach us gratefullness. Just by being love you were shining extra bright and had such a great impact on so many peoples lives. Luckily I got to be one of them.

Warriorqueen. Wolfmother. Wildheart. Laughing with all your being. So many great conversations we have had. Cried. Fought our frustrations as mothers, partners. Been in dispear. Laughed. And just been. Breathing. Both of us. Always just a message away. Always there. Every day I miss you. All the times you said to me from your hospital bed; Go on a roadtrip, a hike, a ride, let me live through you. I photographed trees and water, horses and mountains and you would see them and smile and you said; soon we’ll just go. Into the forrest and drink wine and laugh around the fire til the sun rises. You never made it. But I will still do it for you. And you will always be in my pocket when I go on new adventures. The sun setting over a snowcapped mountain. In the rain with my shoes all wet and blisters everywhere. When I want to give up but my soul pushes me on. In the wilderness I will be with you.

This summers hike through the Sierras I will do for you Maria. To prove that everything is possible. Your soul attached to mine. I will shout your name from the highest top and see your smile in the wind. Because now you are in all things. You yourself said it. And I felt it. When the car drove away with you, you were already gone. Your spirit fragmentet itself in everything. You were in the birdsong. The wind in the treetops. In the childrens smiles. And my heart was filled with a gratefullness I have never felt outside the wilderness. For life. My children. To be able to live and love.

Yes, today I breathe. And I will do my best to fulfill my dreams. To honor you. Thank you for being.

I will forever be your wildsister. This is our song. Wolf <3